Friday, December 31, 2010

my story...

 Dec 30 Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

wow...well..i've received so much this past year, both emotional and tangible gifts, one of course stands out immediately to me, it was from my sister sue, but i guess other gifts that have had deep meaning and have left a huge impact on me were emotional...a few really thoughtful notes from my friend dan, a few extremely heartfelt letters from my daughter allie, connecting and a new understanding after one of my kids and i have had an argument, kind and wonderful words and support from friends and family and a deeper connection with my sister carolyn. i feel totally blessed this past year!!

Dec 31 Prompt: Core story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

in a nut shell...
the core of my story is healing and connecting deeper to god.

i grew up with an abusive, angry alcoholic father...sadly it has effected my entire life, in every area. as a child i started lashing out at others and became a bully myself. when i got to high school that pretty much stopped with people outside my family, but in my family it grew unbearably worse as my brother and i turned in on each other and i started suffering from depression. in my late teens and twenties i drank heavily to numb the pain. in my early thirties i got pregnant with allie and everything changed forever. i never knew i could love something sooooo much and even tho my depression worsened all i wanted was to love her and be the best mom ever. at one of the lowest points in my life, just a little before allie turned one, i knew that i was either going to die or i would have to start i chose living...because of her. i got into metaphysics thru my sister sue and i have never turned back...the first time i heard Lazaris i thought someone finally understood me (you just can't imagine what a huge gift that was!). i really don't know where i would be if it wasn't for Lazaris and my deep desire to be a better person and the best mom i could be to my kids, who i love more than anything.

so as i look back on the last 49 years of my life i can see that my mission in life was to heal myself and to become a way, way better person. i felt i didn't deserve anything because of all the horrible things i had done throughout my life to myself and to others. but i have healed from that now...not perfectly, not absolutely but i am VERY happy with and love who i have become. it's been a tremendous amount of work to get here...i've struggled a lot in life. but this past year was so incredible that i feel like i have really turned a corner in my life and will just keep moving forward now with ease, grace, determination, love, understanding and forgiveness (plus a whole lot more!!).
 a few things have been with me this entire time: self-pity (which is pretty much gone!) depression (over come that too..thru metaphysics) my sense of humor (which has gotten me thru some pretty hard times) and my art.

at times i have identified too deeply with my art, have put it's importance above my kids and others i have loved. it seems like it's such an integral part of who i am now, that when i had considering giving it all up just a few months ago i literally could not...almost as if it's an appendage and i would shrivel up, bleed to death without it. i am still trying to make some hard decisions with it. it's the selling of it that has me perplexed...and so i am sitting with that aspect of it, trying to decide what is the best direction for me at this point in my life. i am positive that will unfold itself to me this coming year.

all i know now is that i want to expand my creativity and imagination...and heal, grow and learn more about myself thru it.

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