Monday, October 6, 2014

confessions of a perfectionist

Before the disaster with the background

Going into my fox drawing, I knew in the back of my head there existed the possibility that I could wreck it...but I really didn't think that would happen, until it did!! :( 

I was SO unhappy (and super grumpy...of course the hundred + weather did not help either) that I put it away in the afternoon and did not draw again that day. I wanted to look at it with fresh eyes this morning...yup I wrecked it alright! 

I've been pretty upset about it until I had a talk with myself and am trying to set myself's just a drawing, it doesn't have to be perfect, I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be in a hurry with it (!!!), this is a wonderful opportunity to push my skills, as I feel I am not that good with backgrounds.

My need for perfection is very stifling, boring, kills my creativity, brings down my resonance and throws me out of balance.

"It is also one of the most profound nemeses in the search for the Soul and the Soul's Path."

For an artist and person like me it also causes lots of needless suffering. My mind/negative ego just races with very unproductive and down right mean things. I know exactly where this stems from, I've been working on this issue for many, many years as it got so bad for awhile I did not not create any art for almost 7 years!!

I have come a long way with it through the years, I know I am loved and accepted by God even if I create bad art!! In fact they are probably happy this all happened to heal a bit more with it, because it's only a small stupid drawing of a represents more than that to me. I can take this as an opportunity to heal and grow or continue on this hamster wheel of perfection. 

~My Choice~

**I'm not there enough to show you the disastrous background yet!! Hopefully next week, either way!!**


E.M. Corsa said...

Are you sure we're not related? I have those same feelings. And by the way, it isn't "just a fox drawing", it's part of your soul. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Katherine Kean said...

Good for you Kathryn, it takes courage to take risks. "I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." (Thomas Edison)

Lissa Rachelle said...

"My need for perfection is very stifling, boring, kills my creativity, brings down my resonance and throws me out of balance."
ohhh Kathryn ... I can SO relate!! I battle my need to be perfect every single day...and the depression/despondency/bad mood that threatens to rise every time I am "imperfect"! It's a struggle ... but it's one I am becoming so much better at "winning". I even sometimes purposely TRY to be imperfect, which helps me to get in more of the habit of releasing control. You're right, it really is "only a small stupid drawing of a fox" and has absolutely no connection to your true value as a human, or even your "talent" or worth as an artist. Love what Katherine said too. Without our "failures" we would never learn how NOT to do stuff and thereby allow ourselves to grow :)

Jennifer Richardson said...

thanks for sharing those healing words....I need to hear them often.

Much love for you in the wobbles.



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