my story...

 Dec 30 Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

wow...well..i've received so much this past year, both emotional and tangible gifts, one of course stands out immediately to me, it was from my sister sue, but i guess other gifts that have had deep meaning and have left a huge impact on me were emotional...a few really thoughtful notes from my friend dan, a few extremely heartfelt letters from my daughter allie, connecting and a new understanding after one of my kids and i have had an argument, kind and wonderful words and support from friends and family and a deeper connection with my sister carolyn. i feel totally blessed this past year!!

Dec 31 Prompt: Core story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

in a nut shell...
the core of my story is healing and connecting deeper to god.

i grew up with an abusive, angry alcoholic father...sadly it has effected my entire life, in every area. as a child i started lashing out at others and became a bully myself. when i got to high school that pretty much stopped with people outside my family, but in my family it grew unbearably worse as my brother and i turned in on each other and i started suffering from depression. in my late teens and twenties i drank heavily to numb the pain. in my early thirties i got pregnant with allie and everything changed forever. i never knew i could love something sooooo much and even tho my depression worsened all i wanted was to love her and be the best mom ever. at one of the lowest points in my life, just a little before allie turned one, i knew that i was either going to die or i would have to start living...so i chose living...because of her. i got into metaphysics thru my sister sue and i have never turned back...the first time i heard Lazaris i thought someone finally understood me (you just can't imagine what a huge gift that was!). i really don't know where i would be if it wasn't for Lazaris and my deep desire to be a better person and the best mom i could be to my kids, who i love more than anything.

so as i look back on the last 49 years of my life i can see that my mission in life was to heal myself and to become a way, way better person. i felt i didn't deserve anything because of all the horrible things i had done throughout my life to myself and to others. but i have healed from that now...not perfectly, not absolutely but i am VERY happy with and love who i have become. it's been a tremendous amount of work to get here...i've struggled a lot in life. but this past year was so incredible that i feel like i have really turned a corner in my life and will just keep moving forward now with ease, grace, determination, love, understanding and forgiveness (plus a whole lot more!!).

 a few things have been with me this entire time: self-pity (which is pretty much gone!) depression (over come that too..thru metaphysics) my sense of humor (which has gotten me thru some pretty hard times) and my art.

at times i have identified too deeply with my art, have put it's importance above my kids and others i have loved. it seems like it's such an integral part of who i am now, that when i had considering giving it all up just a few months ago i literally could not...almost as if it's an appendage and i would shrivel up, bleed to death without it. i am still trying to make some hard decisions with it. it's the selling of it that has me perplexed...and so i am sitting with that aspect of it, trying to decide what is the best direction for me at this point in my life. i am positive that will unfold itself to me this coming year.

all i know now is that i want to expand my creativity and imagination...and heal, grow and learn more about myself thru it.

achieving and a defining moment

 Dec 28 Prompt: Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

i've given up the idea of ever having a cohesive portfolio of art work and instead do what i should have been doing all along~ stretching and expanding my creativity and imagination. that is the thing i most want to achieve in 2011! i have let myself off the hook and it feels soooo liberating! i made this decision weeks ago but will implement it next year...so i am already experiencing the freedom of it.

Dec 29 Prompt: Defining moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

i know this sounds redundant but 2010 was just a total series of astonishing events...one after another...that has led me to where i am right now~ so happy, content, excited, alive, engaged, and anticipating another awesome year ahead! i've worked super hard to heal myself and it's been really paying off now...and i know that this will have a lasting effect in my life!

a joyful moment

 

Dec 27 prompt: Ordinary joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year? 

this is basically impossible to answer as i had sooooooo, so, so many joyful moments this year! if i listed them all this post would be almost endless! i'll just write about my most recent joyful moment...it was christmas day....and actually i consider it to really be a christmas miracle! my 2 teenage girls got along like they had been best buddies forever! i haven't seen this kind of behavior since they were young...and actually right after my vacation, i was ready to ship them off to their father (not really...i would miss them too much...but i was definitely tempted!!), that's how bad they had gotten with each other! so, i am holding onto this moment and praying that at the very least this new found bonding will have some kind of lasting effect! (so far so good!!)

3 more prompts...almost there!!

Dec 24 Prompt: Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

ohhhhhh...this is great cuz i DO know an exact moment. it was just this christmas evening on my way to my sister's home. as i was waiting at a long stoplight this expansive feeling just filled me up and i thought, everything is different now (it just popped in my head!), even tho from the outside it all looks the same...i still live in the same home, still have 2 teenagers, the same job, etc...but it's all different inside and i have actually been seeing the changes for awhile now...i would say the last 2 months for sure. so, this is super exciting to me and i can hardly wait to see how it plays out in 2011!!!

Dec 25 Prompt: Photo - a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

this picture of me actually not only captures how i felt in africa (extremely happy!)but really when i looked at all my photos from 2010...i was super happy in all of them! you just can't believe what a change that was from 2009 when i was in the midst of a lot of healing and in all of the photos of me that year they showed the pain behind my eyes and that forced smile.

Dec 26 Prompt: Soul food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth; touched your soul?

here we go to africa again!!! i really wasn't expecting the food to be so outrageously awesome there. especially in the bush camp where they had one small gas stove to cook on, a few gas burners to the side and a fire pit on the ground!!! totally blew me away!the absolute best food ever...and tons of it!!

 

more and more reverb....!!!

 Dec 21 Prompt: Future self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

i really thought a lot about this last week and i believe my future self would say this to me...you are absolutely headed in the right direction now, but always feel your feelings, be brutally honest with yourself, slow down and be very thoughtful about your choices and decisions.

Dec 22 Prompt: Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? 

ohhhh, this is hard as there are so many places i would love to go to...but, if money and job were not a concern i would definitely spend 3 weeks in new zealand and australia and go to yellowstone national park for a few weeks. that would be very cool!!

Dec 23 Prompt: New name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

okay..kinda bizarre question...hmmm...patty wagon, ginger vitus...nope! think i'll would really just stick to kathryn hansen!! cuz i really love my life and love myself and all the wonderful and exciting things i am doing in my life! i guess that's a good thing, right?! 

 **these photos were taken at the union station christmas dinner in the park. we were suppose to volunteer in santa's village but because there were soooo many volunteers they turned us away. so instead we directed parents and kids waiting in the long windy line to see santa and receive a few toys. there was an abundance of golden leaves newly fallen from a tree near by, so we just started a leaf war...at one point i think there were at least 25 kids, of all ages and a few parents involved besides us! we had so much fun...everyone was laughing and having the best time!! plus it helped distract the kids from the long wait!   

i know i'm super far behind here...

...but this has been a really hectic holiday season!!

we're on our 4th day of steady rain! 

Dec 16 Prompt: Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

i would have to say my friend dan. he and his lovely wife cynthia and i, were having this most expansive and interesting conversation regarding having friendships with the opposite sex, trust and altering our behavior to please another.things abraham-hicks has been saying all along too but a light bulb went off in my head with something dan said that evening and i really got it...you can't change (and shouldn't) your behavior enough to please another.

Dec 17 Prompt: Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

hmmmm...i would say my level of compassion has really shot up this past year. Lazaris says you can't be a compassionate person until you have felt sorrow. I believe that to be very true. I have done many things in my life that i am truly and utterly sorry for and can never take back, so i've had to do a lot of self-forgiveness work and have lots of love and compassion for who i was at the time. but because of all that work i feel so much better about myself and have seen the evidence of my more compassionate self!

Dec 18 Prompt: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it? 

one word: zumba!!

Dec 19 Prompt: Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

anyone who's been following my blog for awhile knows that i've been doing alot of healing these past 2 years and it's definitely a "drip-by drip evolution." altho ever since i got back from africa it has sped up tremendously...in fact it feels like a whirlwind right now!! but that's a good thing!

Dec 20 Prompt: Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

definitely finances...i made a lot of headway this year but confess that i've been a slacker lately with being so busy. There are adjustments i need to do with quickbooks and paypal that i haven't gotten to, so it's made the whole process right now sorta time consuming. but that's one of my huge goals next year is to keep up with my bookkeeping and stay on my budget better. and...YES...i will do it!!

2010, a year to always remember!!

Prompt: 5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

 

africa (mind blowing adventure and fun!), both of my daughters soccer season (so fun!), the reunion i had in colorado with 5 of my college roommates (super fun!), emily learning to fly on a trapeze, adopting shorty and emi, mini vacation with julie and chris (the sponge bob incident especially!!) expansive talks with bev, hiking in the mountains in the spring time (the flowers...magnificent),sterlings antics, healing and growing so much, dan and cynthia's wedding (so moving!)and learning photography!!

2010 was like one of the BEST years of my life...i swear i'd remember every second of it!!

true appreciation

 Prompt: Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

 come on...one thing i appreciate the most?! i appreciate soooooooo many things! but i guess the first thing that popped into my head was this: i am so absolutely grateful for all the support,lovely comments,new friendships,clients,fans,well wishers and kind words i receive. I've been building this awesome community these past few years and it just lifts me to no end. 

i've talked about this before here but this ties into why i feel so much appreciation. my father never once supported me as an artist...in fact, really quite the opposite and so it seems like my whole adult life i spent turning to one man or another to emotionally and mentally support me as an artist. well...it's never worked out as you can imagine, as i was looking outside of myself. now that i've been working hard at being my own head cheerleader, this awesome support has welled up from so many different sources...it's that pushing against stuff again! once i let it go and supported myself, then this lovely community of people sprouted up...and that's one of SO many things i am completely grateful for!!

...ohhhh...and how i express it.i write everyone that writes me as soon as i can,i give away a lot of art to people,friends and animal organizations and i also am a great cheerleader for other peoples dreams.

11 things, body integration and action...more reverb!

 Prompt: 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

actually i'm changing this prompt to 11 things i am embracing even more in 2011!!

1. ease

2. peace

3. happiness

4. artistic & financial success with my art

5. winning

6. uplifting

7. fun

8. adventure

9. travel

10. security

11. trust

 Prompt: Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

oh, this is easy...when i am taking photographs. it's like i am physically no longer there, no time exists, i am totally connected to source. and when i come out of it, it's the wildest feeling like i need to ground myself back into physicality. i think this is why my dog josie stands guard when we're out, she senses this physical disconnection from my surroundings.

 Prompt: Action. When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step? 

when i hear the word action i think of this quote by Abraham-Hicks: hard work is not the path to well-being. feeling good is the path to well-being. you don't create through action; you create through vibration. and then, your vibration calls action from you.

so, my "actions" are to journal, raise my resonance and meditate on goals, ideas, thoughts to get clarity and vibrationally in tune with what i want to create for myself. i really work at being more conscious so i can always tell by the way i feel if it's right for me or not. at this point in my life i can always tell when i'm pushing against something cuz it just never works out and then my frustration grows until the light bulb goes off in my head and i realize that i'm pushing too hard and not in sync with what i am trying to create.

more reverb

 Dec 8th Prompt: Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.
ohhhh..hmmm..this one is a bit hard for me cuz i keep hearing my grandmothers voice saying quit tooting your own horn and self praise stinks...so i'll take a deep breath. 

i think because i have been into metaphysics and self-growth for 17 years now, my perspective, or how i see the world and live in this world is unique, different, maybe to some a bit quirky. i think i am a very positive, upbeat, compassionate person...i love to laugh and have fun. i try to make people feel good about themselves by acknowledging them, looking them in the eye, supporting peoples dreams, trying to always be an uplifter. i believe my life and myself to be extremely valuable and so my happiness is super important to me, which comes across when i interact with people.

Dec 9th Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

i honestly can't say that the few parties i attended in 2010 really "rocked my socks off." i always have a great time when i go out but i guess my office christmas party was not only super fun, with delicious food and wine, but a lot of my co-workers surprised me in how much they cut loose...ones i would have never suspected to do so!! i guess office christmas parties are notorious for such "shenanigans," but it's really fun to see! Plus one of my co-workers had his band play for us and they were so awesome...i haven't danced like that in awhile! soooo many interesting surprises that night!!

Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

i can't think of any one decision in particular i made this year that stands out, but i have made an overall decision to slow way down in my decision making. Really prior to this year i was always a jumper and then dealt with the consequences afterwords, in  every aspect of my life from relationships to jobs to spending, etc. this year i can honestly say that i've truly stopped that behavior. i have NOT had one single decision this year that i regretted...that is huge for me!! taking my time to really think things thru and seeing if they are right for me has been a huge change and blessing for me!

yeah...i'm bad!

with my show and all, i am like seriously behind in my reverb commitment. i'm going to attempt to catch up now, if i can!

Dec 4th Prompt: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

yikes...this is a hard one! i am going to say that taking photos this past year has definitely opened my eyes way more to all the wonder, beauty, awe and amazing sights around me, causing me to be way more conscious. there is so much wonder in this world that i think to myself...wow..the universe is so spectacular, it's so miraculous.

Dec 5th Prompt: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

i think the biggest thing i let go of, just of late was letting go of the dream i'd been holding onto, yearning and longing for, for over 20 years...being a full time, financially successful artist. it's sorta funny, once i quit pushing for it so hard, all these sales just magically fell into my lap!
i've also let go of the need to have my art be perfect. when i really dug deep and was brutally honest with myself, i saw why i needed it so much but now it feels like i no longer have to prove to myself that i am  really, truly a good artist.

Dec 6th Prompt: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

lately i've been working on creating these small collage pieces. i've been hand sewing flowers on them and altho i try not to analyze it too much, it occurred to me that it's so much about blossoming with grace.and these small pieces have made me want to go bigger, using my own photos of people. so have been giving this tremendous thought, about the people i would like to photograph for these larger mixed media creations. (totally excited about this idea!!) plus i've started this series of tree drawings, that are very different for me...using a way more textured surface to draw on.lots of irons in the fire...just need more time for creating...as always!!

 Dec 7th Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I am so fortunate and blessed that in the last year and a half i have made so many new artist friends and built this extraordinary community of support in person, on facebook, my blog, and thru a few e-courses. i just added a whole bunch of new artists friends after this past weekend and hope to just deepen some of those friendships and continue to add more in 2011!!

what an art bender weekend!!

 wow...it was a whirlwind these past 5 days at the gallery at the end of the world!! the interesting conversations...wonderful people...the music, art, food, drinks...the incredible artists...synergistically came together to form this totally outrageous time! this tight-knit group of artists have formed such an incredible community and support system for each other over the years, so it's super sad to see it now ending. but i have a sneaking suspicion that we will all gather together in a different and unique way again...maybe this is just the start of something greater! all i know is that i am happy and totally exhausted!

so many thanks to all the people, friends and family that came out to the gallery and those who purchased my art...it was by far my very best selling show! thanks so so very much for all your support!!

Prompt: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

 

 

this is a no-brainer for me...africa...picking a certain moment is way harder. i guess it would absolutely be the first time we saw the elephants in amboseli. it was so surreal, so quiet, so spiritual. dozens and dozens of elephants in a variety of sizes from 3 months old to ginormous bulls standing quietly in the marsh munching on the tasty tall grasses. we spent hours there watching in utter amazement until it started getting late, the land all around us now a gorgeous golden hue...the sun just beginning to set. the elephants emerging from the marsh, slowly wandering off to the west to find shelter and safety for the night, gently moving in between our 3 jeeps...although some mock charged us, some trumpeted...but off they went into the sunset! a moment i will never, ever forget!!

gallery at the end of the world

photos from various people on Flickr

Gallery at the End of the World
2475 N Lake Ave
Altadena, CA 91001

 

okay people...if you're free and in the area please stop by cuz this place is awesome...so much fun! there's belly dancers,great music,wine,delicious food, you can draw on the tables AND MOSTLY...really neat artwork...something for everyone. i'm not kidding!! 

 

here's the details:

 Thursday eve. 6 to 9pm artists reception all welcome
The First Friday Art Club, 7pm till 1am  5$ cover
Saturday,Pot luck BBQ
Sunday Brunch 12-6pm

entertainment,
Thursday, HB3 & friends
Friday, (5$ cover) The Subs & Chicos Bail Bonds,
Nocturra & Ric Sarabia  
Saturday, Artichoke
Sunday, HB3

 

Reverb 10

Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead. 

December 1 One Word.

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

word for 2010: initiate

in metaphysics, 2010 was the year of initiation and that word felt like it absolutely captured the essence of my year. i let go of a few relationships that were limiting and constricting as well as some dreams and hopes that no longer served me. this allowed me the space to let in some new and expansive things such as photography, africa, and new friendships.

word for 2011: embracing

i love the idea of  embracing the extraordinary next year!