healing

Been away this past week trying to heal my heart...my (ex)boyfriend told me it was finally over, that he was definitely moving on without me in his life. It hit me so hard...all over again, and I realized just how much hope I was holding on to...hoping that he would find his way back into our life together. But sadly he did not.

I'm trying to see this situation through spiritual eyes instead of just human needs. This I believe: This breakup had to be extremely difficult and very painful for me so I could set myself free from it. When you love someone as deeply as I did him I glossed over many things that were not working in our relationship. I really had built my whole life around him, my children and my art...letting many things fall away, including close friendships. We were intensely in love and passionate about each other and only wanted to be together...not a balanced life. Altho I was very, very happy, it was also a very limiting life. And maybe, just maybe the Universe has someone else in mind for me, altho that's hard to accept. I know that he kept trying to clip my artistic wings, not understanding that I am a late bloomer and that means my approach to art is experimental. (Experimental artists build their skills gradually over the course of their careers, improving their work slowly over long periods. These artists are perfectionists and are typically plagued by frustration at their inability to achieve their goal.<--boy that's me in a nutshell!)

No matter how intensely I loved him, I couldn't be kept in a box. But, I also know this to be true about myself..."this is the final lesson of the late bloomer: his or her success is highly contingent on the efforts of others". This is one of the many reasons it's been so difficult for me to separate from him. Yes, the loss and loneliness has been immense but I think this is the reason that I've had no desire to do my artwork...to me it was a partnership and with that love and support gone there was just no yearning to get back to it. I've had to push myself relentlessly to draw, to try and get ready for my upcoming show at the Montrose Arts & Crafts Fair in June. There was (is still) tremendous fear of doing it all by myself, when I know this was all part of our dream..our future together.

But life goes on doesn't it, it never stands still waiting for us to heal...it beacons us forward. And so I am trying to answer it's call to catch up. Throughout the week I'll share the artwork I've been working on this past weekend. Slowly I am getting back into my artistic groove.